Me and My Journey post 6

I admitted I have major depression and PTSD, but what can I do? Maybe I just need to get away, that might help. I went to FL. tried to forget everything, I was running away from my problem. I just wanted to start over deny I was having problems, and going to FL. where no one knew me or knew I had depresion and PTSD. I stayed with a friend and her family,prettending nothing was wrong. I could start over, well running away soon caught up with me, when I was taken to the hospital because I was having problems swallowing. The doctors there told me I had a dic out in my neck and if I had waited 2 days I would have died. While in the hospital I was there for 2 weeks waiting on surgery and then recoveing from surgery I relized how alone I was, how I missed my family in Ohio so bad I would lay there and cry. When upon getting out of the hospital and giving myself time to heal I relized just how depressed I really was. How stupid I was to think by just running away would just let my depression and PTSD to disappear, I was so totally wrong. I was still not sleeping due to the fact I would relive that dreadful day when my husband died, along with missing my family my daughter my son and my 3 grandkids. I was so toren apart, not wanting to be a failure and run back home, but deep inside me I wanted to get home. Running away, trying to forget, that is never a good thing to do. My friends husband wanted me to meet his boss, they thought it might help and maybe I would stay, well that soon proved to be another problem, this man started out so nice, wanting to spend time with me. Meanwhile my firend and her husband was going to open a resturant I told them I would stay and help, still going to see George, and working took some of my thoughts away for awhile. I was okay on the outside but within I was longing to go home. I soon found out George was not the type for me, when one evening while we were sitting at his house he just hit me for no reason, I left went home and the next day while helping in the resturant my friend saw the bruse, it was the size of a grapefruit. I promised I would stay and help, but soon I was so over come with my depression and PTSD along with my missing my family, I was becoming someone else, I started drinking , it was so easy for me to drink other than face another night or day with living the same day over and over, the day my husband died. when I would drink I would not feel so bad. I stayed for a year in FL.helping get the resturant up and running good. My drinking became a real problem as long as I had a drink everything was good, well that was good for me anyway, but my friends soon came to me and said you have a really big problem,your drinking is getting out of control. I never drank before they were right I do have a problem. I ran away from depression and PTSD so I thought, but now I was creating a new problem, I was not me any more I was turning to a bottle for help, it was time for me to get home go back to Ohio before I turned into a drunk. I needed help from someone help to find myself. I must come clean I can't go any further with telling everything thats the only way I can truely tell my story and help others while helping myself, so here goes, while in FL. I smoked pot for the first time in my entire life yes not even as a teen did I use pot. It was so easy to get, I had made other friends and soon smoking pot was a every day event. WOW okay so now you know my whole story thus far. I got back to Ohio and soon went to what we call the center for help. I was put on meds to help control my depression, and my PTSD. It soon became so much of a pain to go there everyday. The meds helped, and I thought every thing was okay with me I stopped going, after about 5 months my depression was back. My dreams soon turned into a nightly event and I was even living the day my husband died over and over even while awake.

Me and My journey post 5

I was in shock for sometime, along with denial..he just can't be gone, this is just a nightmare I am having. Please let me wake up and find everything is okay, but it wasn't okay it was not a nightmare. the man I was married to for 31 years was gone. I could not even go to sleep without reliving the day over and over again I could not even listen to the radio, a song would come on and I would break down. The day would flash in my mind now even when I was not asleep. I would sit and cry and see myself giving him CPR hear them tell me he was gone we tried everything we could not get him back. I didn't want to leave the house anymore, didnt do much of anything but sit and cry. One day I was sitting in the bath tub just relaxing trying to ease my mind when I heard a voice calling my name, I yelled I will be right there. I got out of the tub and put on my bath robe went downstairs to find noone there.I felt like I was losing my mind. I could not sleep any more I was up at all hours day and night, how can I go on, what am I going to do. I could not eat, I went from 120 down to 102. I didn't even look like me any more. My world had been turned upside down. I blamed myself for his death, I blamed myself for not being able to help him liked he asked me to. Maybe if I had done the CPR right maybe he would not have died, but I did CPR like I had been taught, they told me it was not my fault, still my world would never be the same. I was alone now all I had left were his memories. Why do I see that day over and over. I replay the whole event. I can still hear him asking me to help him the look in his eyes, him falling back onto the bed,them telling me he was gone. This went on for sometime, the saddness the tears. Even after almost 3 years I still can't get the image out of my mind, I still have the dreams, just like it was yesterday. The things I did different now is I took the first step, the most important step, that was to admitt I have a problem. I have major depression and PTSD.

Me and My journey post 4

August 3 of 2006 was what started out to be a good day. My daughter and her boyfriend was going to be here for dinner. My husband said he felt very cold. I got him a blanket and he said it felt ok. When our daughter got there, we sit and talked while dinner finished cooking. My husband said his feet were cold nad numb, I started rubbing his toes and feet, the skin started falling off. We called 911 and went to the ER, upon my arrival nI found his feet to be bleeding and his toenails falling off. One hour later his toes had turned black , to the point they no longer looked like toes. He was loosing feeling up his leg also. He again was admitted to the hospital and on August 7th they told me they had to amputate his right leg to the knee. The next day was surgery, that night he had heart failure and was taken uopstairs to ICU. The surgery would wait 2 more days until he was stable. On august 9th he went into surgery, when the doctor came to talk to me he said his body was so full of infection and they had to take his leg up to the thigh. He was so weak from the surgery and the infection, the doctor told me when he comes to grips with loosing the leg they will need to take the other one, due to infection. He wanted to just come home he hated the hospital. The doctor wanted him to stay longer but he let him come home. He was so helpless, so weak it tore me up to see him this way. He could not even lay down on the bed he had to sit up and lean on something to sleep, this infection was making it so hard for him to breath. August 18th my birthday we had a good dinner and talked way into the night. I could see each day he was getting weaker.Then on August 22nd we was talking he turned to me and said please help me, he fell back onto the bed. I thought he just needed to be moved up more on the bed. I called for my daughter who was upstairs to help me, we soon discovered he was turning blue, he was not breathing..I started CPR called 911 and began to scream for help. There was nothing anyone could do he was gone. I went into shock, I didnt know anything for so long. His birthday was August 26th and we had his viewing on August 25th. My saddnes and lonelyness turned into major depression along with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder

Me and Me journey post 3

We would get his treatment down right and then the doctor would change things again, add more meds, but that was waht we had to do for him to live. I was working at this time, as a waitress. I would hook him up and go off to work, but my mind was still at home worried sick about him. There was days he felt good and on those days he would drop me off at work and go visit our daughter and grandkids, but there soon came the day when he picked me up from work and said I dont remember driving here. Our daughter also noticed him not remembering things. One night I got off work it was 9:30 p.m. When I got home he was not acting right, I said are you okay, want something to eat, he said no I'm not hungry. I made me a sandwich,and we sit there talking when all of a sudden he started to jerk and jump, I called 911 and they came and took him to the , hospital, I followed in the car, when I got there they had him tied down to a bed, later they later found he had had 3 strokes. They addmitted him for test and he was there for 28 days. I would sit with him until time to go to work and then after work, 9:30 I would go back to the hospital and sit with him for a few hours then head home shower and little sleep. I would always try to get to the hospital by 8 am. I wanted to be there when the doctor came in. When the doctor let him go home they also set up for a home nurse to come in 3 times a week, to help him get his strength back. He could no longer walk up stairs to bed we had to have a hospital bed for downstairs, he also could not get around to go to the bathroom, he was forced to be put in diapers. To sit and watch someone you have been married to for 31 years go down hill so fastwas hard to do.

DEPRESSION-Hurts, My Story

Depression Hurts, My Story


There are many people walking around feeling bummed, many people may just say I am sad or blame it on the weather. This could be the early signs of depression. I suffer severe depression and Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, I have for some time now. This disorder is nothing to be ashamed of or scared to let someone help you. YOU HAVE TO SPEAK OUT.....let yourself be heard. Even if you come from a great enviroment or have the greatest family it can still hit you. Trust me it hits like a ton of bricks. Many things can cause depression, with the way the economy is today with many jobs lost more will suffer. There was a time when you just didnt talk about depression for fear of rejection ,the shame you would bring on your family, or just to scared. Those days are gone, or they should be....There are so many groups out they willing to help, lend their support, contact them give them a chance. Treatment will take some time but you must remember it took sometime for you to feel this way. Don't suffer by yourself...take that first step, the very first step is the most important, and that step is being true to yourself, true to the feelings that your having.
Many people try to hide this illness, yes it is an illness, but this illness you can recover from. Time is on your side. You have control take charge of your life, don't let this bring you down. When you take control, and fight this you will be back on track. People that hide or try to deny it many end up taking their own life....DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN.....People don't understand what a family goes through when they lose a loved one that has taken their own life. You can get better...reach out your hand to someone, there will always be someone there to take your hand walk you through this hard time in your life. The problem is many friends and family members don't know how to come to you and ask how things are, or tell you they think you have problem until it's to late...if you think someone may be DEPRESSED please talk to them, let them know you are there for them.
The pain you suffer is real, it can keep you from doing things you would normaly do. When all you want to do is stay in bed, or just sit on the couch watching TV, and not caring about what is going on around you.The pain is not in your head thats for sure, the pain hurts, your entire body aches. Sleeping habits then come into play, there are days you want to sleep all day and then days or nights you just can't sleep at all. You have to make yourself get up, the longer you lay there the longer your depression will last. I am not saying after one time talking to a doctor your going to automaticly get up and run around the block, but that first talk will start your road to recovery, and trust me thats one road I want to be on....

Me and My journey--post 2

We even had to change the way we eat, there are some many things he was not allowed to have.After about a month of going to the center 3 days a week, he woke up one day to find his pillow covered in blood. I really freaked out that day..I took him to the hospital, where the doctor discovered he was very sick. ( see while getting your treatments at the kidney center they have to give you heparin ) The doctors found him to be allergic to heparin, in reality the heparin was eating all his white blood cells, he had turned purple every where. The doctor told me its not good, if his level fails any more he will die. This doctor was a dedicated he would go home and research things to help. This doctor found something he told me this is the last resort we have . They put IVS and gave him this medicine after a month in the hospital he recovered.All of this was taking a toll on my body, there was days I just wanted to sit and cry, but I couldn't do that we had a long road ahead of us. I think even tho I was wearing myself out I really noticed the effects on my body. There was so many times he was put in the hospital for weeks at a time. I wont go into all of that, but that's the start of my depression and I had no Idea, only because I was so concerned and worried, and knowing that I had to be strong . The doctors then decided to place him on HOME DIALYSIS, because of the heparin. Now I really had to learn it was all up to me to do this. He would still go to the kidney center once a month for his treatment update. Doing the treatment at home was nerve wrecking, but I did it. I had to learn how to hook him up to the machine, how to read the machine, what fluids went in and what came out. I had to know how to monitor everything. I had to now what grade of fluid to put on the machine if his blood pressure was up, what to put on if his blood pressure fell. There was so much put on me, I didn't mind doing this.I had sheets of things I had to keep track of. I would take his blood pressure 4 times a day, write it on the sheet along with the fluid out put and the grade of fluid I had use. I kept track of his inventory of supplies and ordered all the things he needed, the bags of fluid, the tubing everything. When we would get the supplies delivered they would bring 96 cases of fluid at a time plus the tubing we needed and the masks to cover our face to keep germs out..wow finding a place for all that was something....Then I had to learn to give him shots, I would give him 3 shots a day..Yuck I never thought I could give a shot I hate needles but , but I did it. We had so many changes with his treatment, we first only had to hook up at night, but his treatments seemed not to be working, we went from 6 hours on the machine to 12 hours every day.

Me and My journey--post 1

Hi and thank you for your visit to my blogg. Back in and through out history depression has always been there. It was just something you did't talk about, much less talk to a doctor about. Many people thought is was something to be ashamed of, something to hide away, and never to surface again. Thank goodness those days are gone, or at least they should be. My blogg is not intended to give advise nor diagnosis any one. I am here to tell my story as I progess with my struggles. Wow this is hard for me, I never thought I would be able to talk about my problems, much less write a blogg about them. So here goes. I have been struggling for some time now,my ups and downs, my mood swings, and sadness. It was like some big dark cloud hanging over me. I felt tired all the time, wanted to do nothing but sleep, just shut the world off. I would say this all started back in 2002 when my husband was diagnosed with end stage renal failure. Wow to hear those words sent a numbing sensation throught my entire boday, I sit there , I could'nt move. The Doctor said I am so sorry to tell you this, both of your kidneys have shut down. They admitted him to the hospital and put a line in him for his kidney diaylsis treatment. I felt dead, I wanted to run as fast as I could, Then it hit I said to myself I have to put my fears,my tears away... I had to be strong for him and the kids. He spent almost 2 weeks in the hospital, I was by his bed side all night, leaving just long enough to get a clean change of clothes and a cup of coffee. My days from there on were sitting by his bed all day, I would steal a nap when he would be asleep. When he was released to go home I thought things would settle down for me. I ran myself ragged, this is when I noticed things changing with in myself. This is when that dark cloud came over me. I became shut away from the world, I had to take care of my husband. I was so scared, I felt so alone, what am i going to do, how am I going to take care of him. The next few months were hard to deal with, watching him go sit at the kidney center hooked to a machine 3 days a week, for 4 hours a day cleaning out his system, taking all the poison out of him, they were cleaning his blood. He would get home and become very sick from the treatments, getting better just in time to go for another treatment. I had to learn so much about taking care of him.