Me and My journey post 5

I was in shock for sometime, along with denial..he just can't be gone, this is just a nightmare I am having. Please let me wake up and find everything is okay, but it wasn't okay it was not a nightmare. the man I was married to for 31 years was gone. I could not even go to sleep without reliving the day over and over again I could not even listen to the radio, a song would come on and I would break down. The day would flash in my mind now even when I was not asleep. I would sit and cry and see myself giving him CPR hear them tell me he was gone we tried everything we could not get him back. I didn't want to leave the house anymore, didnt do much of anything but sit and cry. One day I was sitting in the bath tub just relaxing trying to ease my mind when I heard a voice calling my name, I yelled I will be right there. I got out of the tub and put on my bath robe went downstairs to find noone there.I felt like I was losing my mind. I could not sleep any more I was up at all hours day and night, how can I go on, what am I going to do. I could not eat, I went from 120 down to 102. I didn't even look like me any more. My world had been turned upside down. I blamed myself for his death, I blamed myself for not being able to help him liked he asked me to. Maybe if I had done the CPR right maybe he would not have died, but I did CPR like I had been taught, they told me it was not my fault, still my world would never be the same. I was alone now all I had left were his memories. Why do I see that day over and over. I replay the whole event. I can still hear him asking me to help him the look in his eyes, him falling back onto the bed,them telling me he was gone. This went on for sometime, the saddness the tears. Even after almost 3 years I still can't get the image out of my mind, I still have the dreams, just like it was yesterday. The things I did different now is I took the first step, the most important step, that was to admitt I have a problem. I have major depression and PTSD.