Me and My journey--post 1

Hi and thank you for your visit to my blogg. Back in and through out history depression has always been there. It was just something you did't talk about, much less talk to a doctor about. Many people thought is was something to be ashamed of, something to hide away, and never to surface again. Thank goodness those days are gone, or at least they should be. My blogg is not intended to give advise nor diagnosis any one. I am here to tell my story as I progess with my struggles. Wow this is hard for me, I never thought I would be able to talk about my problems, much less write a blogg about them. So here goes. I have been struggling for some time now,my ups and downs, my mood swings, and sadness. It was like some big dark cloud hanging over me. I felt tired all the time, wanted to do nothing but sleep, just shut the world off. I would say this all started back in 2002 when my husband was diagnosed with end stage renal failure. Wow to hear those words sent a numbing sensation throught my entire boday, I sit there , I could'nt move. The Doctor said I am so sorry to tell you this, both of your kidneys have shut down. They admitted him to the hospital and put a line in him for his kidney diaylsis treatment. I felt dead, I wanted to run as fast as I could, Then it hit I said to myself I have to put my fears,my tears away... I had to be strong for him and the kids. He spent almost 2 weeks in the hospital, I was by his bed side all night, leaving just long enough to get a clean change of clothes and a cup of coffee. My days from there on were sitting by his bed all day, I would steal a nap when he would be asleep. When he was released to go home I thought things would settle down for me. I ran myself ragged, this is when I noticed things changing with in myself. This is when that dark cloud came over me. I became shut away from the world, I had to take care of my husband. I was so scared, I felt so alone, what am i going to do, how am I going to take care of him. The next few months were hard to deal with, watching him go sit at the kidney center hooked to a machine 3 days a week, for 4 hours a day cleaning out his system, taking all the poison out of him, they were cleaning his blood. He would get home and become very sick from the treatments, getting better just in time to go for another treatment. I had to learn so much about taking care of him.